if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
