It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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