she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
