You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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