So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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