Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs