i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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