I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
