This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
