They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
