i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
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I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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