His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
