do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
