what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
