I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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