I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Is it because I queefed?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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