Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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