1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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