I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
