my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorry my hands just texted you
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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