We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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