Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
