you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
