What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
