forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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