I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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