I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
