The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
this hospital has no fireball
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
