Need sex. Gaining weight.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
