two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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