I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
