my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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