i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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