I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
