I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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