Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
