Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
