Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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