i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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