Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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