Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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