My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
