as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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