just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
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just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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