He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
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he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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