I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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