I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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