She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just pee around me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
