Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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