Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
