Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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