for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
