I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
