how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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