I didn't shave. On purpose
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
