I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
