I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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