Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Randomize
