If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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